I Found Mr. "Right." And Now He Must Be Stopped.

To the corporate VP who gave a 40-minute presentation in which he said the word right? 112* times: 

Stop it. 

For starters, the chances that you made 112 correct assertions are slim to none. I understand you have a Trump-size need to be seen as authoritative and credible. But ending every single declaration and half-baked thought with right? is about as effective at conveying authority and credibility as a Porsche is at conveying penis size. 

The truth is, by the time you said right? for the 20th and 30th times, it not only caused me to question the characteristics you were so desperately trying to impart, it became so distracting that I started to tune you out completely. So you could very well have been correct when you said right? the 50th and 60th times but I wouldn’t know because I was off in La La Land. 

I’m all in favor of a presenter or speaker being confident and knowledgeable, and credible and correct. But I’m not a big fan of pompous douchebags. 

That’s not to say that if you’re a right? over-user that you’re necessarily a pompous douchebag. But it does send up a big, bright-red flag that suggests there's a significant chance that you might be. And then you’ll have to go to extraordinary lengths to prove that you’re not, in fact, a pompous douchebag. And who has time to go around trying to disprove their douchebaggery? I’ve found the best way to not be perceived as a pompous douchebag is to not comport oneself like a pompous douchebag. You also might want to avoid phrases like "comport oneself."

And even though right? almost always masquerades as a question, the speaker's vocal inflection doesn't have the normal rise in pitch associated with a legitimate query. The tone is always much flatter, like when a teenage girl says whatever. 

When someone says right?, it's not a sincere invitation to challenge their assertion. It means, "don't bother answering because I'm telling you I'm right. Even though it sounded like I was asking for your opinion, it's just a rhetorical trick commonly employed by really clever people."

And, look. 

Just like you should quit peppering your speeches and conversations with right? for the love of Christmas, stop introducing every hack idea in your fat head by starting with look. 

Look, we get it. Again, you’re trying to establish that what you’re about to say is a truth of Biblical proportions and that such knowledge is the province of only the rarest breed of corporate monkeys, phony politicians and barstool bullshitters. 

Whenever someone prefaces one of their unbelievably insightful proclamations with the word look, my first instinct is to start scanning the area for something I think they want me to see. 

When I realize I’ve been had, I silently countdown from 3 knowing full well that in 2 more seconds they’ll underscore their unbelievably brilliant concept with their first right?, which is the green light to ignore everything that comes after. 

So please, on behalf of everyone you work with, your friends, your employees, your poor family, and every human being you come in contact with, please stop saying look and right.

Right? Of course I am. 

*112. No lie. I rewatched his presentation on video and counted every one. Although, admittedly, I dozed off for a minute or two so it could’ve actually been more.