The tall and short of Badgers Basketball

I went to the Wisconsin Badgers basketball game last night with my good great friend, Dr. Chris Kammer, also known as the rock 'n roll dentist. (When the stars come through Madison – and then happen to chip a tooth while they're here – Dr. Chris is the guy they go see.)

After we got inside the Kohl Center, I noticed that the fans in attendance were all ridiculously tall. At the concession stand, the average height was about 6’ 3”. In the men’s room; 6’ 5”.

To be perfectly fair, I wandered into the ladies’ room, which was overflowing with Amazon women, all perfectly aligned in pairs, just the way they entered. A hush fell over the room as I entered, but I’m pretty sure they were in the middle of devising a plan to retaliate against their husbands and boyfriends this weekend for dragging them to a basketball game on a weeknight.

Certainly the 17,000+ tall people in attendance were not all former basketball players. Maybe they were all sitting at home thinking, 'It sure would be nice to be around other tall people... let's go watch a basketball game!' And before you know it, 17,000 tall people are sitting together, and very happy to be in each other’s company.

The players were all giants. The kids in the band were pretty tall. The ushers were tall. The PA announcer was approximately 7-feet tall.

And then the cheerleaders came out.

They were all in about the four-and-half-foot range. Were these the regular cheerleaders or were they the wrestling team’s cheerleaders filling in?

Maybe the cheerleaders all aspire to be tall. And they’re hopeful that if they surround themselves with tall people, that some sort of osmosis will take place. Or maybe they’re just really positive people who are so damn happy that the players and fans grew to be so tall, they decided to come out and show their support. “Way to go tall people, way to go!” Clap clap.

But there is apparently some internal strife in the cheerleader ranks. They’ve split off into two separate factions of really short people.

One group is smaller in number and is comprised of about 6 or 8 really muscular men and a roughly equal number of really petite women. (It was difficult to get an exact count because they zipped around so fast, I couldn’t keep track of them.) The men take turns tossing the pint-size women up in the air, and hold them up with one hand as if displaying a prize won in a hotly contested battle.

The other group is an all-girl team that numbers around 20. These women have pompoms that they swing around and wield viciously, sort of like nunchucks. My guess is they use these to keep away the strong men from the other tribe, who no doubt would like to collect more women. “Defense, defense!” Clap-clap. Clap-clap-clap.

Next time I go, it’ll be interesting to see if the all-girl group has lost any of its members to the strongman group. And to see if anyone in either group has gotten any taller.

The Badgers won, by the way. And they play again Saturday, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be at the mall holding my wife’s purse while she shops.